Are you questioning enough?

There's a magic trick that can make you the most interesting person.

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

What can a Witch teach you about relationships?

In my wonderful recent talk with Lelde, we went through so many topics that intertwine with what I’m trying to preach out here. But there’s one thought that REALLY needs a shoutout. The thought on what makes us an interesting person. The thought that makes our game much easier.

In short:

• To be interesting, be interested.

• Just ask questions with a genuine interest.

• If you’re into having some fun - go out and try to strike up a conversation using only questions. Check when the other person realizes.

Read further for more.

(While you’re here, give Lelde some love → https://www.linkedin.com/in/leldelegzdina/)

The magic of questions

But why’s that? What’s the charm that one puts onto the other by asking about (almost) literally anything? How does it make you the most interesting person in the conversation? Is there some witchcraft? Nah, just some psychology at play.

Reciprocity Principle

When we ask someone a question, it triggers our natural tendency for them to reciprocate. This was extensively researched by Robert Cialdini and the entire field of study in social psychology. People feel compelled to respond (kindly!) when someone shows interest in them. It validates them and proves they’ve got something captivating to say. As a result, they want to share more with us.

The reciprocity principle, as articulated by Robert Cialdini in his book "Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion," states that individuals feel obligated to return favors, gifts, or acts of kindness they receive from others. This principle suggests that when someone provides us with something valuable or does us a favor, we are inclined to reciprocate, often by complying with their requests or engaging in positive behaviors towards them. It underscores the innate human desire for fairness and mutual exchange in social interactions, making it a powerful tool for persuasion and influence in various contexts.

Information is power

The more we ask, the more we know. And the more the other person shares with us. And what do we get as a result?

It’s much easier for one to like the other while they possess some insights into them. As we are strangers no more. We’re someone they know and we’re someone who knows them.

With each such knowledge piece, we get more context that can translate into finding common ground, business opportunities, or a new perspective.

Businesses benefit from questions, too

That should be a no-brainer, no?

Best salespeople don’t speak about their product. They ask what the underlying need their prospect has. And then work on those insights.

Market research is conducted by identifying pain points and having an insight into a target customer base.

One can manage their team/company by assuming they know best what do their employees need. Oooor get that info from the source.

Are you a teller or an asker?

Which one are you? How often do you create a space for others to share? Or do you grab the entire conversation by its throat?

How to be better at asking questions?

Similarly to when we were finding our WHY, it’s about re-iterating answers into more questions. It’s about not being satisfied with the surface-level response. It’s about following up with yet another “Why so?” after yet another “Why’s that?”, catching an interesting word, or reframing heard words.

The simple tricks that may save your conversations are:

• Rephrase. Use what you hear. Then, rephrase that sentence using your own words and form it into a question. That’s a powerful tool to check if you understand each other correctly.

• Follow up on ambiguous concepts. Some definitions may be blurry or subjective. Discover what the other party means.

• Repeatedly ask “why?” in different forms. There’s always an angle to explore.

• Anchor your question in words you heard. Along with rephrasing, those two will ensure your conversation partner that you’re actively listening to them.

Let’s have a look at what could a conversation about jazz music look like.

“I enjoy jazz but I get some people may not get it as during the improv session, musicians may seem like they don’t care about the listeners. They’re in their own world…”

“So, can we say jazz is more about musicians playing for themselves and expressing themselves instead of appeasing the public?”

“No… I wouldn’t say so. It’s more about being true to yourself. But the dynamic with the audience is crucial. There’s so much energy in live concerts. It’s just not entirely about you being entertained.”

“So what does being true to yourself mean to you?”

“Expressing your emotion. What’s inside goes outside in its pure form.”

“Why’s that important?”

“We’re living in a world of fake. Everything goes through filters. Everyone tries to look/sound beautifully. We value what others think so much.”

“Why, do you think, everyone tries to sound like that? Is it different in the world of jazz?”

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Check out the full conversation with Lelde