You will suck at this. For a time.

And without pushing through, nothing will change.

Photo by Bernard Hermant on Unsplash

You tried networking. Didn’t work out.

It’s not like you don’t know how to behave or how to speak. Even more, most likely, you’re aware of the basic interaction principles. Even if not - you can tell when the conversation is fruitful and exciting. And when it’s dull and cringe.

Why am I so sure? As I know the latter fuels your impostor syndrome and anxieties. You go over each such case over and over again - beating yourself up.

So what?

So we know it. At the most basic level, we can at least discern our feelings about discussions and the people we engage with. We’ve got those tiny uncomfortable thoughts building the basis for our conviction about us not “getting it”, looking stupid, or just being unable to do such things. There’s that “it”.

That “it” frustrates the hell out of us. We KNOW we can do better. We KNOW we forget basic knowledge when talking to people. We KNOW that we’re not presenting ourselves as we truly are. Instead, there’s some kind of a twisted abomination chaotically spewing words, trying to uphold an illusion of a coherent conversation.

Same in here.

As I’m writing all those words, I wish I could convey the same feeling I’ve got, and explain my thoughts in the same way as they are in my mind. Most probably, it won’t happen.

As I’m going out, I wish I could show those people a true version of myself, and explain who I am and why you should care in the same way as I see it in my mind. Most probably, it won’t happen.

As I’m trying to… it won’t happen?

But?

But over time, if I keep going, I will refine myself. In a painful, full of discomfort, way. And then, one day, it will work out. Maybe just once. But it will. I know.

And then we’ll come back to making a fool of ourselves. Because that tiny success happened by random. BUT IT HAPPENED. Alas, we won’t have a faint idea why’s that. Which factors contributed to such occurrence? Were the stars aligned or did we do something right? Found someone special or fitting our profile?

But it happened. And will happen once more. Here and there. Intertwined with periods of bullshit conversations, crises, and turning red.

Time to shine, baby!

That’s the moment for your introverted soul to play its role. Internalize, work things over and over again, and overanalyze. What went wrong? What went alright? What do those moments of bliss and success have in common? Come on - you can beat yourself up because of misspeaking in the 4th grade, so you can work yourself up to realizing what’s your sweet spot.

Seriously, use your anxieties to your advantage this time. Do things. Fail. Cry for two days analyzing every second. Make a note of each said second. Go out to do things once more. Be aware of previous shortcomings. Fail. Cry. Analyze. Note. Go. Achieve not embarrassing yourself for the first time. Cry nonetheless. Keep on going. Become the expert on every nook and cranny of bad social interactions. Then, build upon that knowledge.

You don’t learn by achieving success. You learn by failing.

There’s no limit.

Remember

We will suck at this.

We will be overstimulated and overwhelmed.

We will need to cool down after just two conversations.

But we will prevail. Keep on going.