How to be awful at networking.
How to be awful at networking.
As learned from the timeless lessons by Charlie Munger.
This is the homage to Charlie Munger’s speech “How to Guarantee a Life of Misery” from 1986. I may not be at the same level as he but trying nonetheless!
I bet you’re fed up with all the folks around you wanting to get better and better. With all the guides and mentors. That’s why you cannot and should not follow them. Especially when it comes to networking or finding ourselves in this dire human-to-human ecosystem.
Be unprepared.
First and foremost. Remember, the relationship game cannot be well thought over. Spending time beforehand to prepare yourself may result in achieving even mild success. We don’t want that.
Instead, consider networking as freestyle fun. With thinking on the spot. Imagine trying to win a marathon by running in circles while blindfolded. That's the level of preparation we're aiming for in networking – expect results while navigating the labyrinth of your own incoherent thoughts. Should you show even the slightest sliver of giving any thought about your actions - you will be doomed. Picture this: you carefully plan your networking strategy, rehearse your elevator pitch, and exude confidence. Scrap that image. Embrace the chaos of spontaneity. This will set you on a path not bound to fail immediately. So, say it with me - preparation is your enemy. Doesn’t matter if that’s researching people you’d be interacting with, preparing your elevator pitch, or knowing why the hell we are even in the current place.
Be unspecific.
Imagine someone asking you about your favorite movie, and you respond with a 10-minute saga covering every film you've ever seen, complete with unnecessary details. That's the level of intrigue we're striving for in networking – overwhelm them with information. You need to present every unnecessary aspect with mutually exclusive statements (are you hiring or looking for a job? Let them guess!). This way, your conversation partner will not be able to profile you easily - which could lead them to be able to connect with you on a conceptual level. What’s worse than us receiving support and exactly what we need from the right people?
Be self-centered.
Let me tell you. Being in touch with those people. Can you imagine that? The horror of not only having a conversation and making a connection but also following through. Checking up on them the day after, two weeks after. Hell, even a couple of months later. Letting everyone know you don’t remember and don’t care about them is the best way to be awful at networking.
Speaking about caring. Focus only on yourself. Speak only about yourself. Steer every conversation towards yourself. Don’t allow anyone to take the spotlight from you. Networking should be about all the people focusing on you and only you. Stepping down is a sign of weakness. Allowing anyone else to speak is a missed opportunity. Showing any interest in anyone but us is forbidden. You’re the pizza. They’re the leftover salad.
Speech is silver, silence is golden. But I’d rather have a ton of silver than a tiny gold nugget.
Imagine that. You decide to ask some questions and learn about the others. Hell, even offer your help. (Stay with me, I know it’s a painful vision) What fruits could it bear? Only the worst - THEM thinking something could be about THEM. Which may even lead to THEM starting to like you. Seriously, for your own sake - don’t ask questions, and don’t let yourself make anything about THEM. It happened to me which unfortunately resulted in having a new friend. Don’t do that.
Remember folks, the key to being awful at networking is to be unprepared, chaotic, and self-centered while disregarding the others. Be the tornado, not the calm before it.
But wait, there’s more! Even though we’re bound to succeed in being the anti-role model, we can go further and achieve new heights. Think you've mastered the art of awful networking? Share your triumphs with us. Let's celebrate the journey to unparalleled networking failure together.